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Why stand trembling on top of a cliff for the rest of your life, when you can throw yourself out to your dreams and experience it was not as terrifying as you thought?
Text: Vivian Songe, Shape-Up 2007, expert Trine Åldstedt
You are not the only one who feel the nervousness creeping up your spine and grab you with it's sharp claws as soon as you're thinking of making a choice or change in your life. But why is it like this?
- Humans have a tendency to perceive safety through habits and the known. That's why it is common to feel uncertain, unsafe, fear or anxious when we step outside of our comfort zone and break patterns, says Trine Åldstedt at MetaResource, who's working on a daily basis with people who wants to get rid of limitations, doubts and hindrances.
I want to, I want to but...
You may want to try something new and exiting, like parachute, make a speech, start a new career, invite the man of your dreams on a date or dance tango. But it seems too scary, and you don't dare the risk. You are far from the only one. Most people are scared of something.
- People are scared of emotional challenges, like speaking in front of other people, not to be loved or not being "good enough", says Åldstedt.
But few of our fears stems from reality.
- We are born into this world with two basic fears: the fear of heights and the fear of falling. All other fears are learned. This means they also can be unlearned, says Åldstedt.
For most people this is not done in a second. It takes some training. We give you the tips that work!
Fear of making "the wrong choice”
One of our biggest fears is the fear of making the wrong choice.
- We stand like a donkey between two bales of hay. Unable to decide, and in the meantime, starving to death, Susan Jefferson writes in her book ”Feel the fear and do it anyway”.
It's worth remembering that being passive is also a choice.
- We often fear that the wrong decision will deprive us from all the good things that come out of the right decision: Happiness, money, a lover, exiting trips and success. But the truth is that it's not as black and white like this! You don't choose right or wrong. Regardless of the path you choose it will contain both positives and negatives. Its how you relate to the decision – how you deal with your every day – that decide how you're going to get it, says Trine.
The real fear
The real fear which underlies all other fears, is this: ”I can't handle it! I can't take it, I'm going to burst and break, crumble to dust and become nothing.” But is this really the truth? We often create a worst possible picture of the outcome.
- Based on our own and others experiences, influence from the society and "what is right and wrong", we cook up and nurture fear scenarios of every possible worry. In real life we will both deal with and experience the situation in accordance with these expectations. On the outside - because they trigger different actions, and on the inside - because we get other impulses and thus other results, says Åldstedt
The key question is: If you knew you could handle anything that came your way, what would you possibly have to fear? Nothing!
Therefore: Trust in your ability to handle it. Tell yourself "Anything could happen, that's right. But I can handle it. Bring it on, I'll take on the challenge.”
- Then you grow, learn something new and trust yourself more, Trine says.
”I'll wait until the fear is gone”
Well then you've company with lots of others. It's really not uncommon to wait, wait and wait - for weeks, months and years. For the fear to get bored, pack its stuff and leave. ”When this or that happen I will no longer be afraid, and THEN I will do all the things I've ever dreamt of". When will this day arrive?
- The truth is, it's up to you, Trine says.
You have to do things differently than before, or else it's not very likely that the good fairy comes along and changes it for you.
- You are the chef in your inner world of senses. You can choose to do something about it or you can choose to not do anything. Do you want to break your boundaries, get new and exiting experiences, you do something about it by encounter it both on the inside and on the outside. This is how you get new experiences, she says.
Fear = green light
The fear is not a sign to withdraw, but a green sign to walk on - as long as the fear is not real of course.
- When you train up new learning experiences and truths about yourself and your options, you will eventually recognize the fear as a friend and natural part of you. It tells you you're on your way to development and growth, it sharpens your senses and gives you the opportunity to learn even more from the situation. In this way you can perceive it as a green light which makes you ready to make the best choices for you.
To push through the fear is in fact less scary than to live with the underlying fear of not being able to handle things.
Fear of failure
The interesting thing is that we are not just fear of failure. We also fear success!
- Fear and wishes are closely connected. We often fear the things we perceive as exiting or fun. Things than can imply change in some way. And to change is scary! It's always safest to stay where you are, Åldstedt says.
Fear will never go away. It is a part of life. As long as you grow, the fear will be you companion. It's no point in trying to chase it out of your life once and for all.
The trick is to wish it welcome as a friend when it appears, and say: Hello..hear you come again. What do you want this time? And what can I learn from you now?"
You are not the only one who's scared
Yup, that's true. We are all humans, and we all fear something or another. Maybe your friend doesn't fear the same things as you, but they have guaranteed other fears keeping them awake at night.
- People who don't dare to take risks, often live by the illusion that all other people who are doing exiting and challenging things have no fear. Therefore everything is so much easier for "them". But they are wrong in this! Everyone who throws themselves out into the unknown and makes it looks so easy, have had fear once. But they have stepped outside of their comfort zone, dared to loose grip and become used to what once was very unusual for them, Trine says.
All the successful people around you that you think have a sixth "I'll fix it"-sense, are nothing more than an example of you can do it too. And it is just you who can take the first step!
- If you meet the feeling, instead of underestimating or flying from it, you will discover it'll change pretty soon, Åldstedt says.
TAKE CONTROL OF THE FEAR! 14 good tips
The bestseller book "Feel the fear and do it anyway” (Arrow Books) by the fear-guru Susan Jefferson has got plenty of us to think twice: What am I afraid of, really? Is my fear real or is it just something I've learned? Sometimes all it takes is to get through some tremors and sweats, jump in it and rise up as a new, relieved person on the other side.
- The only way to get rid of the fear is to go out and do the things you fear. As long as the things you fear is not proved otherwise, your brain will cling to the fearful image it has got of the situation, and you don't get loose.
- If you say "when only this and that happen, I will do it", you give away your control and choose a passive life. You don't know whether the things you are waiting for to relieve you from the curse of the fear, actually will happen to you ! You'll have to make them happen. Say: ”I'm doing it now and get over with it.”
- Take one risk a day. Not a big one, but a small change that shows you're courageous, ready for new experiences and challenges. It can be like asking a stranger what time it is, go to the movies alone, try a new way of working out, or enroll in a course you find interesting. In this way you expand your level of tolerance - you get a bigger room - for new and "fearful" experiences.
- You can imagine your "room of tolerance" as a circle around you, at first very small and narrow. Your room for expression is very small. But the circle will expand for every risk you take. In the end you'll have a big playground and can do the somersault from one end of the circle to the other. What can possibly scare you here?
- Remember that you attract the things you focus on as a magnet! Choose instead to look at the things you are afraid of with energy, determination and trust in yourself.
- Observe yourself throughout a day. What kinds of situations do you hesitate to encounter, back off from? Use this as a reference for the risks you are going to take next time.
- Victim mentality is common. ”Poor me getting into these kind of situations". It's common to blame a jerk boyfriend or a strict boss for not feeling better. Ask yourself: What am I not doing in life blaming others for not doing for me? YOU are the reason for your feelings that make your life unpleasant. And YOU can do something about them.
- If you experience a situation filling you up with fear and uncertainty, take a sheet of paper and write down the situation that makes you scared. Then write down several other ways of reacting you can choose from instead. Notice how it is to be happy, sad, scared in the situation and so forth. Choose the reaction you like best. You will see how fast you can change your feelings.
- Are you afraid of making the wrong decision if you move in one or the other direction? What does "the wrong decision" really mean, and how wrong can it get? Every choice has positive and negative aspects, and they will all make your way forward.
- Find out what you gain from not challenging yourself. As a rule of thumb you will have an unconscious hidden benefit, like getting compassion, love, safety and so forth. In this way you unveil your motives for choosing not to act.
- It is normal to move in a zigzag ahead in life, take a few detours, blind streets and u-turns. It is very unusual to move in a straight, perfect line without failure. Look forward to your roller coaster ride, and lean out from the carriage in the turns.
- ”When you rock the boat, someone will ask you to sit down." Leave the boat and find a seat in a new one. Surround yourself with people who support you in what you want to achieve! Create a support group, and be a part of other peoples support groups. Enroll in challenging tasks together. In this way you give lots of energy to the new experience, and take it for what it is: a challenge.
- Our choices are seldom as important and serious as they seem. If your life is basically good, the choices you encounter are merely two ways of fun and frolic in the future. Take it as a playful game, and not so serious.
- The sooner, the better. It is better to start now, than to regret your slow pace the day you finally take the first step. Who hasn't shocked their head and said: "Why didn't I do this before?”
NB! Don't take risks that lead to something serious, negative or dangerous, like taking drugs, having sex without a condom, hitch-hike with strangers and so forth. The point with the exercises is to take risks which leads to something positive, and builds up your self image to become as strong as possible.
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How do you handle the fear?
It's uncomfortable to have fear. It makes us jumpy and helpless, passive and safety seeking. But we can agree on this: If everybody feels fear when approaching something totally new in life, yet so many are out there "doing it", despite the fear, – then we must conclude that fear is not the problem!
- It's the way we handle fear, or rather NOT handle it, that\s the real problem, Trine says.
YOU HAVE TWO CHOICES:
POWER-position: Look at the fear with a feeling of power, energy and action.
Pain-position: Look at the fear with a feeling of helplessness, depression and paralysis.
Exercise: Go from pain to POWER
Draw a long line on a sheet of paper. Write "pain" to the left of the line, and "power" to the right of the line. Try to notice where you are on the line in relation to a concrete challenge you're facing. Imagine it as an arrow on the line directed towards "power". Are you too far down on the pain side, move the arrow mentally towards the power side, and notice how you feel. Is the energy rising? Do this exercise on a regular basis while you're thinking of your challenge. You can do this exercise mentally while you're in the situation, or more physically. If you for instance hang the sheet on the refrigerator, you can use a colored magnet as an "arrow" and move it to the right. Or even more active: put two sheets of paper on the floor, write "pain" and "power" on them, and move from one sheet to the other.
PAIN ---------------------------------------- POWER
Helplessness ---------------------------------------- Choice
Depression ---------------------------------------- Excitement
Paralysis ---------------------------------------- Action
Tips! Change the words you use so they focus on an active choice instead of helplessness:
I can't ---------------------------------------- I won't
I shouldn't ---------------------------------------- I could
It is not my fault ---------------------------------------- I'm totally responsible
It is a problem ---------------------------------------- It's an opportunity
Life is a struggle --------------------------------------- Life is an adventure
I hope ---------------------------------------- I know
If only ---------------------------------------- Next time I will
What will I do then? ----------------------------------- I know I can handle it
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Negative illusion
We have in some odd way or another become used to think that a positive way of thinking is unreal and naive. But what makes a negative way of thinking more realistic? Is it realistic to think that it more often turns out bad than good?
- The answer is no, it's not. It is an illusion we have made based on fear. Over 90% of what we worry about never happens. In other words: Our negative worries have about 10% chance of being correct, Susan Jefferson writes.
So are you being realistic when you worry all the time?
- If you believe it is more realistic it is ok. But think through what you want to focus on. It is your life and your opportunities. Would you create it according to the 10% chance of doing a failure? Or rather go for the 90% chance of succeeding, Trine Åldstedt says.------------------------------"---------------------------
What is fear?
- Fear is an inner state that gives us more or less overwhelming feelings, and sets the body in a state of alarm. Fear triggers the "fight or flight" response in us, which we have inherited from our ancestors a long long time ago, says Åldstedt.
Today it is seldom a question of life or death, but our response is as strong when we experience fear.
- We may not have an angry bear or threatening tribe ready with their axes, so we're doing the job on the internally instead. With the help of our own senses we run the scary scenarios on the inside, which triggers fear, she says.
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